Inspiration
Awakening The Why

It started with losing sleep and later, a series of nightmares, mostly involving death.
The first time this happened, I was sure it was a one-off. It was a typical weekday night. The time on my phone read 9.30pm which meant I had half an hour to catch up on my favourite book at the time. I grabbed my kindle from the bedside table, slid under the covers and with my index finger tapped on Trevor Noah’s Born A Crime. The kids were fast asleep and the mister too as he had an early flight to catch. At 10.00pm, I sat up and said my prayers then slid back in and shut my eyes, ready to drift away. Except that I didn’t.
For someone who has always been a heavy sleeper, the inability to naturally nod off when I get into bed is as rare an occurrence as the blossoming of Talipot Palms. Did you know this plant blooms once in 60 years and dies right after exploding into millions of tiny flowers? My lack of sleep was a no brainer that something was amiss. I remember growing up, my mum was always so irked by my need to sleep past midday during school holidays. I was a lazy child, no doubt, but I chose to hide behind my slumber and call myself a sleepy child. Some days she would let me get away with it but on Saturdays when we had “general cleaning” it was a NO. There’s once she was utterly fed up of trying to get me out of bed so she stormed into my room with a bucket of ice-cold water and splashed it on my bed, jolting me to reality and reminding me I was not royalty.
So on this particular night, I tossed and turned and when some semblance of sleep finally hit me, I found myself thinking (not dreaming as I was still half awake) of death. I imagined myself dead from a ghastly road accident and immediately thought of my younger daughter Xia who had a fever when I put her to bed what now felt like many moons ago.
I sprung out of bed and bolted to the kids’ room, pulled off the mosquito net and picked up Xia who was unflustered by my interruption. I peeked at the top bunker to the sight of my older daughter Xena curled into a ball, her bedding kicked into a pile below her feet. I then headed back to my room, clutching Xia in a tight embrace then placed her in the middle of my bed. The mister was snoring, oblivious to my restlessness and what was soon going to become the norm.
It was now midnight and I was frustrated. How did insomniacs fill up their time in the middle of the night when the rest of the world had retired? I wished I could go for a run but that would only be possible if I lived in Beverly Hills. It was 3am when sleep finally decided to visit me which meant that I was not going to wake up for my 5am morning run, much less have the energy for it.
The struggle for sleep carried on and so did the weird dreams. Some days I would dream I was killed by a lone bull. I would be taking a stroll upcountry and this angry bull would charge from the bushes and gore me to death. This, by the way, was a bull I had outran all my life (in my dreams that is).
I thought about my disturbing dreams. I figured the universe was telling me something, that I was alive on the outside, but dead on the inside. The problem was I didn’t know what needed fixing. So I carried on riding the motions of life, like an empty shell. I stopped finding Joy in everything I used to love. I was too exhausted to run in the mornings, so I halted my runs. I struggled to find inspiration in writing, so I paused the blog. The only thing that remained constant was my 8-5 job which had started to feel like 8-12.
A few months later on a Sunday morning at 8.45am, as we were driving to church, Xena launched her barrage of questions. I was staring outside the window, envious of this lanky guy in a luminous green jersey and swanky red headphones running on the sidewalk.
“Mama, you know we are currently learning about professions in school.” She stated.
“My daddy is a banker. What are you?”
I was at pains to explain what I did for a living to my five-year old. I was still in the investment world but my role had evolved so much in the past year and was confusing and frustrating to me in equal measure.
“What do you think is my profession?” I threw the ball back in her court.
“Ehhhhhh, a writer?” She guessed.
“Well, that’s a good shot. We can work with that.”
That evening I thought about my job. I struggled to remember the last time I was upbeat about getting up to go to work, about working on a new project or introducing a new concept. I envied the mister who took calls even at 11pm from his clients, or woke up at 3am to jot down ideas he had involving his work. The problem was right there, glaring at me yet I couldn’t place a finger to it. Or maybe I could, but I was afraid to admit it.
For another month, I resentfully dragged myself to work. I hated everything about my workplace and constantly hid behind my laptop, typing away to avoid making conversation. I was now only doing it for the money, to afford the life I had carved for myself and my family. I was bitter and irritable and constantly screamed at my kids.
I tossed and turned in the dead of the night for another month. Then one day, on an otherwise beautiful and sunny day, I got to work with every intention of being productive. I flipped my HP Spectre laptop open and instead of working on a Powerpoint presentation that was due, I found myself launching a word document and drafting my resignation letter. Right there, I pulled the plug.
It was an unsettling decision no doubt, but entirely liberating and long overdue.
In the past one month, I have had so much sleep to the extent of dosing off at the dining table while sucking at a chicken bone. I have read four books and found a new love, biking. I am more accommodative to my kids, though helping Xena with her school assignments is still the ultimate test of a mother’s patience.
I have tweaked the blog and I hope you love the new look. The characters are still the same, but the script has changed, albeit slightly. Every first Tuesday of the month we kick off with an inspiring interview with the hope of drawing insights from ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Thereafter we talk about raising well balanced kids and having fun while at it and we close the month with a travel post.
Truth be told, the corporate fire still burns strongly in my heart and I am merely changing the direction of the sails. I just won’t allow myself to die while still alive.
Thanks for the story&sharing.I thought I was crazy for secretly haboring thoughts to resign for the last 2 years.Never had the nerve to do so,as single mother of 4.Each day I died slowly within me….but finally it has all come down…I will plunge in the dark and God has me in the Palm of his hands.
Welcome back Joy! I had sure missed these stories. And congratulations! Of course your next plan will be bigger and better. Duh, its you! 🙂 You have inspired our careers and we wish you nothing but the best.
Looking forward to this new chapter of the blog and I love the new look already. All the best.
Kudos!
Welcome back Joy. I’m happy for you, taking that courageous and bold step! For homework, read this book, “thriving child “ which will teach you a new style of parenting and how to raise a self motivated child. I love the new look blog. Keep walking. I would like to learn to ride a bike ?. ❤️
Thank you Mary! I can’t wait to get my hands on that book. On bike riding, its never too late haha
Welcome back. I identify with your situation. I also recently took to running as a way of life, I still don’t know why I do it, kinda Forrest Gump manenos. There’s a peace of mind that comes with it. Don’t quit just yet.
You made me want to re-watch Forest Gump, Bomseh. Dis you know its Jack Ma’s favourite movie?
Welcome back Joy! Love the new look and looomg forward to seeing all the great stuff you have lined up for us (no pressure ?). Wishing you the very best as you try figure out your next plan. Enjoy every moment ❤️
Hahahaha pressure but no pressure! Thanks love.
Waaaarrrr…i don’t even know where to start!!! First, let me just say WELCOME BACK!!!I dint know just how much I loved this blog until you took a break. Couldn’t wait for you to come back????. Second, I got a little confused and for a second I thought I was on the wrong site but I LOVE IT!!! The changes are super cool and refreshing. Good job to you and your crew. Finally, am super proud of you for listening to you and choosing you. So many people of late are drowning in demanding jobs and refuse to let go coz… Read more »
Comments like this make me realise that this blog is not in vain. Thank you for finding value in it, Eva.
We missed you!I also looove the new look………….glad you found what you needed fixing and actually fixed it,looking forward to to your articles especially on raising well balanced kids…
Thank you Munira, I hope you find some inspiration on todays post about Kids and Jobs 🙂
Oh God reading this had me a heavy lump on my throat.I feel you mummy,at the same time I feel so proud of you. Love?
Thank you Zamzam, it shall be well 🙂
Welcome back!! ??. You were missed!
I love the new look. Very refreshing. Also the “know about us” part. All-encompassing. I’m excited for the up coming blogs ?
Thank you for all the help! You played a part in it all, you know!
We had missed the blog Joy. And I love how bold you were and made that decision. Better and happy days are coming
Thank you Nyambura. Blessings to you too.
I am so proud of you, for choosing you! Many a time we stay in situations because it is the ‘right’ thing to do, because it pays the bills, because it gives us social standing and in the process we kill our very essence. Whatever path your new journey takes you to, I’m sure you are going to be great at it. Looking forward to great content, love the new look!
This is so true, Maureen. You’ve summed up everything I feared, everything that made me stay. I am positive about the future. Thank you!
It’s a bold move but you’d rather enjoy what you’re doing. All the best in the next step, am sure it’ll will be a better one that you’ll love. ?
It has to be cuz, it has to be. Thank you for always being there.
Wow, that was so powerful and inspiring, thank you for sharing this, and in the process finding your yourself. Super happy for you.
I am still in the process of finding myself and I know I will soon find my truth north. Thanks Wangeci.
Wow Joy, that was so inspiring and very very bold of you to share with the world, am glad you are back and so happy at that. And yours kids ??, wow.
I know the feeling. Good for you for being brave enough to take that bold step. Wishing you all the best!
Thanks Joan and blessings to you too!
Welcome back mama! It is Ok to just stop and smell the roses! Can’t wait to read your next article!
You would know better, Lisa! This means so much, thank you!
I love this! We shall not allow ourselves to die while we are still alive!
Super inspired
Glad you drew inspiration form it, Sylvie!
Wow, that was deep, our minds and body tell us a lot , love love love the B in Belle, new site is gorg
Yeiy!!!! Thanks for noticing the effort I put in the logo, Jacquey 🙂
Good for you!! I need these guts because I too, am stuck in a cycle of endless routine yet my passion goes untapped.
When the time is right, you won’t think twice. All the best Val.
Wow. I am lost for words…????????
Unlike you Nana hehe
So glad you are back!Had missed your blog posts.All the best in the new chapter.
Feels good to be back, Gathoni. Thank you.
You have answered me. Atleast. Good read up. Keep it up. We’ll keep dropping by.
You are welcome to pop by every Tuesday.
Glad to have you back Joy. That was a bold move wish you well in all your plan to do.
Thank you Ann.
Wow! Nice article. Weird how i saw your workout video on Instagram yesterday as I was getting to work and I wondered what kind of job you did as you were in the gym while the rest of us were going to work ?.
That was a bold move. All the best in your endeavours. Sometimes all we need is to take a step back and rethink the direction we want our lives to take.
Hahahahahah I am in the gym from 5.15am to 6.45am but I post my videos later. But thanks for you kind words!
I just pulled that plug today Joy. I have had sleepless nights and i’m a heavy sleeper. Recently i have this headaches that start as early as 8an when i get to the office. They go on for hours. While at home i’m 100% okay. I resent all that has the name my employer. I don’t enjoy my job or anymore. Twist is ,early next month I’ll join a new company with enthusiastic of what the new role and employer brings. I resigned today 2pm sharp. Thank you for the reason, i thought i was alone in this.
Great things await you Michelle! All the best with your new phase.
All the best as you try to figure everything out. The day i resigned from my last job I was so early and pumped for that day and whatever amount of work that’ll be thrown my way but alas somehow I just found myself drafting a perfect resignation letter from nowhere…? i relate. Since then i feel alive.
Same story, Rayelle! Same story. I see you thriving in your passion and I know all my puzzle pieces will also fall into place.
I wish you all the best hun! I’m certain you’ll stay winning…as always!
Thank you Tote, for being my cheerleader, for reminding me what I am worth and for applauding me when I forgot to applaud myself! We stay winning.
Welcome back!I totally relate.I felt like I was reading my own story.
Congrats for being courageous,I might just follow your foot steps.And the new look blog is awesome.
Glad that you love the new look, Selina. Thanks and I wish you well in finding your true north.
That was a bold move Joy. Finding yourself after a long time was the quest to your thirst. We missed the blog too.
I missed being here too and I am so glad to be back! Thank you.
Yeeih! Great to have you back! Always looking forward to read your posts. Quite a bold move but life must lived today not waiting for tomorrow
Thank you Beth. I feel alive.
Yeeeeeeei… my fav blogger is back…
Wooow really do admire the bold move, and am super happy for you.
ALSO please don’t call me selfish when i say that the move work’s for me, had missed the read saaana,wink wink.
Super stoked ur back, (to feed my cravings) ….running away emoji??
You ain’t selfish hun, the move works for everybody! Glad to be back.
I totally concur with you,i was having the same feeling sometimes back,i even thought i was sick..so glad to see you again.
Thank you and I hope you are fine now.
Welcome back.
Glad you found what needed fixing
Love and light
Thank you Wahu. Blessings to you too.
Ohh wow. That’s so refreshing am glad you found yourself in good time.
Glad your back missed the blog
I missed being here too, Stella. Thanks for your kind wishes.
Very bold move. Glad you did it and feel good about it. Your next journey will be great
Amen and Amen, Eunice!
Oh mama …i missed your writting and am sooo glad you are back..? I look forward to reading more and interracting more ??? and a biiiig yeeeeiy to cycling ❤❤
I hope you are cycling too? It’s the best thing ever for me this year. Thanks mama.
Welcome back Joy! That email notification had me excited to come here and read.
I am happy to see that you are back, and happier.
Love and light. <3
Yeiy to the notification squad! Thanks Nimo.
Welcome back.
Am glad you’re back. Sometime last week you crossed my mind., and here you are!!!!
I missed you. And Xia is so grown up now!
I’m really glad you are back though.
Welcome back Joy (both to the blog and to the real Joy who can sleep). I struggle with sleep and have over the years concluded that I am a light sleeper…. but you just gave me ideas. I am truly envious of your bold decision to pull the plug ..maybe someday I will master that kind of courage…. just maybe.
Wow!! Amazing come back and glad you found what needed fixing. If only some of us would let go of fear and stop dying inside!
I am glad you are back. Now let me read. 🙂